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How To Convince Someone To Make You a Sandwich

It’s 11:47 a.m. The clock is slowly ticking to 12, and those lunchtime hunger pains are starting to come on you like a freight train. You need food and fast before hangry hits.

Your brain runs the gamut of restaurant options, and they all seem so far away, so expensive and so very bad for you. Then, before your very eyes, a vision appears of the ultimate sandwich in all its healthy yet-still-so-delectable glory. The light radiates around it, and you see nothing else but a tall tower of oven roasted turkey, cheese, tomato, lettuce, pickles, condiments, and bread. The gates of heaven have surely opened up and your mouth begins to water.

You now know that nothing in this world will satisfy your soul and salivary glands until that sandwich touches down on your taste buds, but you’re so weak with hunger it’s hard to imagine how you could mustard, I mean, muster the strength to fix it for yourself. Sandwiches ALWAYS taste better when someone else makes them, and you realize that you need reinforcements to assist you in this sandwich-acquiring endeavor.

Coercing someone into getting up, gathering all the ingredients and creating this masterpiece for you can be a challenging task. Never fear, however, because I am essentially a pro, and I have a few tricks and tips up my sleeve on how to force get someone to make a sandwich for you. There are many strategies you can take with this mission. Variables like your mood, location, and level of hunger are always at play and can affect which tactic you should utilize. You also need to study your target demographic and cater your technique to play on their weaknesses. That being said, here are some of your options.

Send out a cry for help on social media.

I’m not above begging. Take a selfie with your most pitiful face with and publish it on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter with a caption asking for someone to have mercy and come bring you a sandwich. Your truest, most codependent friends will come to your rescue every time. Share a selfie every time you eat a sandwich, so everyone can see how much you enjoy and appreciate them.

Begin with the end in mind.

Since you know you crave sandwiches regularly, it’s ok to plan out a long-term strategy like frequently exposing your friends and family to films that have sandwich-eating scenes. Subliminal messaging is one of the oldest tricks in the books. If they naturally get inspired to make themselves a sandwich, it’s much easier to add on an easy, “Hey, can I have one too?”

Leave flattering notes around.

Leave post-it notes or dry-erase marker messages on mirrors all around the house that say things like, “I love you as much as sandwiches”, “Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are delicious and so are you”, “You’re as cute as a sandwich” “There’s no one I would rather enjoy a sandwich with than you.” They’ll be so flattered, they’ll realize how much you love both them and sandwiches and they’ll want the association to continue. See where I’m going here?

Be a big kid and use your words.

Sometimes it’s best not to play coy, and just look directly into someone’s eyes and politely ask that they do you this favor. Remember to know and pay attention to your audience. If they will be turned off by passive aggressive or subtle stunts, then do the adult thing and straight up ask them to make you a sandwich. Come on, you can do it!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Watch their body language, twitches, and tones and imitate them to the best of your ability when you do the big ask. People are huge fans of themselves and will like what they see and hear. When you ask for it in the same way they would, they’ll be spreading the mayo faster than you can say, “Ham sandwich, please.”

Act fast.

Studies have shown that asking for something in a moderately fast pace of speech is more likely to get a yes than if the same questions is asked in a super slow or super fast tone. Typically, moderately fast comes with an animated or lively tone as well, so that could be part of its success. Happy breeds happy, so keep it kind of peppy too!

Ask a question to ask the question.

This is definitely the more indirect route, but try asking a sandwich-related question that could trigger happy sandwich memories, which will then inspire them to repeat that memory. Remember that objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Once they’re already in the act of making one sandwich, it’s not that hard to make two. It’s science really. Examples of helpful questions to ask include, “I love sandwiches, don’t you?” and “What’s your favorite kind of sandwich?”

Whatever your methodology, never sway from the goal that is getting a sandwich to your taste buds stat. Be resourceful, play to your strengths and get the job done. And by get the job done, I obviously mean: get someone to do it for you.